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The next step

 

When I was a child I loved things that were fast and high. I loved roller coasters, downhill skiing and riding my bike down hills.

When we went on our honeymoon, we went to California. Our honeymoon was Disneyland, Knoxberry Farms, Legoland and the San Diego Zoo. As you can see it wasn’t lay on the beach, rest and do nothing. The plan was to have fun. The plan was to do big things, enjoyable things, and be active.

When we were at Knoxberry Farms, we were riding on roller coasters. We got on one roller coaster that was pretty much just a loop, I loved loop roller coasters. We get in… the train goes backwards and stops. And there we stay. And stay and stay.  This was the end of me. I’m not sure what happened. I know I felt like I was falling through the harness of the coaster. All I know was I began to have a panic attack. I needed to get out of the car. I would have jumped out if I could have. I freaked out and I didn’t know what to do. Finally the car started moving. I did not enjoy this ride and refused to get on another coaster for the rest of the day.

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This was the first time in my life that I truly felt fear. Deep in my soul I can’t function fear. Before that I may have felt afraid at times, but this was true fear. While I knew it was in essence irrational fear, I couldn’t move past it.

Now when I go to ride roller coasters my heart pounds and I fear this panic. I haven’t given up riding on roller coasters because I want my children to grow up riding them. Enjoying the thrill of them. There are roller coasters that I won’t go on, but for the most part I’ll try it once.

I was fine with thinking this was my only issue. I thought ok… if roller coasters is going to be my trigger I can deal with this. It’s manageable.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found that there are other things that are starting to cause me more caution than necessary. I do not want this to move into anxiety. I don’t want to panic over things. I understand that there is nothing wrong with a healthy concern over somethings, but I don’t want to find that fear again. I don’t want to live my life with that much caution.

So, I will keep my chin up. Continue to self talk and realize that things are as bad as I could allow my brain to make them. I will work on reminding myself that I am a strong confident person who can and has overcome many things in life. I will continue to enjoy things and try new things to show my boys that it’s worth trying things at least once. I will find ways to figure out how to put the anxiety that starts brewing into the back and confidence into the foreground.

I will figure this out…

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