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The next step

 

When I was a child I loved things that were fast and high. I loved roller coasters, downhill skiing and riding my bike down hills.

When we went on our honeymoon, we went to California. Our honeymoon was Disneyland, Knoxberry Farms, Legoland and the San Diego Zoo. As you can see it wasn’t lay on the beach, rest and do nothing. The plan was to have fun. The plan was to do big things, enjoyable things, and be active.

When we were at Knoxberry Farms, we were riding on roller coasters. We got on one roller coaster that was pretty much just a loop, I loved loop roller coasters. We get in… the train goes backwards and stops. And there we stay. And stay and stay.  This was the end of me. I’m not sure what happened. I know I felt like I was falling through the harness of the coaster. All I know was I began to have a panic attack. I needed to get out of the car. I would have jumped out if I could have. I freaked out and I didn’t know what to do. Finally the car started moving. I did not enjoy this ride and refused to get on another coaster for the rest of the day.

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This was the first time in my life that I truly felt fear. Deep in my soul I can’t function fear. Before that I may have felt afraid at times, but this was true fear. While I knew it was in essence irrational fear, I couldn’t move past it.

Now when I go to ride roller coasters my heart pounds and I fear this panic. I haven’t given up riding on roller coasters because I want my children to grow up riding them. Enjoying the thrill of them. There are roller coasters that I won’t go on, but for the most part I’ll try it once.

I was fine with thinking this was my only issue. I thought ok… if roller coasters is going to be my trigger I can deal with this. It’s manageable.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found that there are other things that are starting to cause me more caution than necessary. I do not want this to move into anxiety. I don’t want to panic over things. I understand that there is nothing wrong with a healthy concern over somethings, but I don’t want to find that fear again. I don’t want to live my life with that much caution.

So, I will keep my chin up. Continue to self talk and realize that things are as bad as I could allow my brain to make them. I will work on reminding myself that I am a strong confident person who can and has overcome many things in life. I will continue to enjoy things and try new things to show my boys that it’s worth trying things at least once. I will find ways to figure out how to put the anxiety that starts brewing into the back and confidence into the foreground.

I will figure this out…

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Progress is good

Last Friday I posted about keeping myself accountable in order to make progress. I am working on getting back into a healthier life style, working out, eating healthy, managing stress, and finding time for the boys, Richard and myself. I’ve posted about the need for balance in life, and although I know true balance is impossible, it’s a goal worth working towards.

Just to give an update on everything.  Over the weekend we went for a bike rider, the boys and I rode for just under 6 miles. Ok well I rode for just under 6 miles, we stopped at a worn down tennis court that the boys like and they rode for another 25 minutes there, so I don’t know how many miles they rode.  I was pleased with my ride, although my legs were jello when I was done, I’d rode the furthest I’ve ridden since we moved to PA.

Sunday to Thursday I went to the gym. I worked out on Sunday with Richard. This is my day to increase weights and do things that I won’t do without Richard there with me. When started working out at the gym I could only bench press the bar which is 45 lb. I am now able to bench press 65 lbs. I keep at a weight until I can consistently do 2 sets of 10, then I increase the weight. I’m not trying to add bulk, but working out with weights has so many addition benefits. Check out this link to see 7 reasons to strength train.

When I work out on my own I typically do 25-35 min of cardio and then strength training. I try to keep changing up what I’m doing as to not get into a true routine and therefore get stale (or bored). I use free weights, kettle bells, workout bars, and any my own body weight in my workouts. I try to alternate upper and lower body, with some type of abs every day.

Let me tell you, even though I’m still not totally happy with the body in the mirror, it’s working. If you know me well, you know I HATE scales. I hate being a number. I don’t like it when it comes to clothing sizes either. I hate that that number is what people use to define healthy. For me, the way my body is even when I’m at my fittest, the number on the scale is higher than people say it should be. That being said. I do recognize that using the scale is a way to see progress. I will never tell you the number I saw on the scale, but I will tell you that I’ve dropped pounds. I can also see the the definition in my muscles is beginning to return.

Food wise, I’m doing well with that too. I try to eat protein and fruits or veggie every time I eat. I’m eating 5 times a day to maintain metabolism. My new favorite thing to have is ants on a log… yep you read that right. Every day when I get home from the gym I make it to have for a snack. Think about it celery, raisins and I use fresh ground peanut butter. What could be better? Sweet! Salty! Crunchy! oh yeah and healthy!!  I find myself eating a lot of salads with meat on it.

Shhh don’t tell my kids but I’m also adding more veggies to the meals I make. Whenever I make anything that cook with a sauce (taco mix, sloppy joes, spaghetti sauce etc…), I will add onions, pepper and carrots, sometimes celery. While I know eating these items raw give more fiber, getting the veggies into them works for me. I look forward to making soups and stews where I can hide more. Oh and when I move into the new house and can put the veggies through the food processor and make the pieces even smaller than I can with my knife so they don’t pick them out.

They are getting better at eating the salad I put on their plate. I individualize them a bit since Colby doesn’t like lettuce, he likes spinach and of course Blake is the opposite. They typically have this carrots, cheese and few croutons. (here’s a hint with croutons… crush them up. you don’t need as many and they can eat them with every bite of the salad and not just pop them in and then avoid the green stuff).

Today I’m taking the day off. I had to drive Richard into work this morning. My muscles are crying especially my legs. So I’m giving myself a break. I’ll focus on cleaning the house, doing laundry and a bit more me time today. Hey I’ve earned it. This weekend will find us back on our bikes and back in the gym.

I’m worth the effort. Now, I just need to work some more on the balance, but that’s another post for another day!

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Accountability

Earlier this week, I posted about setting a goal to get back into a healthier shape. I’m happy with myself at this point. I have managed to workout at the gym every day this week. M-Th I worked out by doing 30 min of cardio and about 30 min of weights. Today I did 40 min of cardio.  I’m please with this progress.  I know that now that the boys are in school I can go to the gym every day.

I decided to purchase myself new gym sneakers, they were much needed! I also purchased myself a new tumbler cup to use at home.

I’ve also found myself more on point with eating. For example, I made the guys tortellini last night for dinner. I had already made homemade spaghetti sauce which I added more veggies than normal (carrots, onions, peppers, and spinach). Then I baked myself some summer squash with parm cheese, and topped it with the spaghetti sauce.

I’m having yogurt with berries for breakfast, carrots with pb and raisins for my morning snack. The rest of the day changes depending on what I want to have to eat.  I’m upping my water intake as well.  I’m trying to make it fun and not super structured menu daily.

I am please with myself, so therefore I ordered some more workout clothes on Amazon.  I needed more to have enough for the week… and well a treat for progress.

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Goal setting

Goal setting is something that I’ve mastered in life. I lived the first 20 some odd years moving from one goal to another. There were very few goals that I set for myself that I didn’t accomplish. It’s just the way I roll.  I try to set goals that are realistic and obtainable. I try to set goals that I can control, this is key!

I’m in the process of setting a new goal for myself. I’m going to get back in shape. I’m not going to jump on any diet/workout/plan bandwagon. Don’t get me wrong I know these work for some people, it’s just not for me.

I’m going to set the goal of working out at the gym 4-5 days a week for about 1 hour a day.  Right now I’m going 3 days a week. This does not include any weekend trips with Richard. This is just me going and doing a workout daily during the week for myself.

I’m also going to try to watch what I eat a bit more. Eating is an area that I know I need to improve on, but I also know I can get fixated on the eating issue and then it becomes unhealthy. I’ve had food issues in the past and have no intention of going back there.

My goal is to eat more protein, fruits and vegetables. I’m not going to give up starches in total or sweets or salty snacks. I’m just going to make sure that they are a treat and the portions are realistic.

I already only drink water during the day, I’ll have an occasional coke when I get a headache, or split one with Richard over dinner on the rare occasion.

I need to make this goal realistic and obtainable. I’m going to set a few workout goals for myself as well as result goals. I’m going to incorporate new and different workouts with weights since I know this is the best way to burn and sustain the burn. I’m going to challenge myself to increase the speed and duration of my cardio workouts. But the real goal is to be happy when I look at myself again. I want to put on an outfit and think… yep I worked hard and I look good…. I look healthy.

So watch for updates as I keep myself accountable for working out and eating. Join me and making this school year about making me a healthier Mother for my sons, wife for my husband… but most important… a healthier me for ME!